believe with your whole heart.  believe in the direction of your dreams, in the people around you, before you, beside you.  believe with your whole life.  submit to nothing half heartedly, unfeeling, unsure, dispossessed by burgeoning desire, want, lust, need.  believe, and all life will follow.  fortune will bend to your whim, because she likes nothing more than someone who knows where they're going. 

this is my heart.  this is what i believe.  and its difficult, sometimes, to listen.  especially because this wild sense of abandon and belief is anything but practical.

my life is anything but practical.  i've known that for a while now—i chose that for myself.  and you know what, fortune can be a bit of a whore—despite the fact that she likes to hop in someone's car, she'll be out there the next night, looking for another car.  looking for someone who needs her loveless charms.  and what that boils down to, is that even being unpractical (which, senselessly, makes me think that the universe will love me for my sense of whimsy and blind passion) you win some, you lose some. 

when it comes down to it, over the years, i've lost a lot.  and maybe i should take this all as a hint, and walk away from the table and cut my losses, but this isn't vegas, and i'm sick of metaphors.  it's so strange, but it's actually losing that reminds me that the choice i made is the right one—i can't catch a break and still, still, it's the only thing my heart is beating for. writing is the only thing that's really truly right in my life—my health is poor, my love life is a sham, my finances are in a state, and my work is getting better every day. 

so really, when it comes down to it, how could i choose otherwise?  in a world where i don't know if i can pay my debt, find an apartment, accomplish my goals, set up my own house and live independently— in a world that has taught me in overly repetitious ways that the only person i can count on is my self—  in a world where i'm not a hundred percent positive about how to love myself, much less another person, i choose to follow the only passion i have. 


you're probably wondering what precipitated this.   i'll be honest—i thought i'd win bookhabit.  i also adored the conclusion to meg cabot's queen of babble series.  i also consoled my best friend because a friend of hers who was twenty years old died.  and she looked me in the eye and told me she wanted to live life for her passions.

and i realized how goddamn lucky i am.  i don't have my true love yet, but i believe i'll find him.  i don't have my apartment yet, but i believe i'll find it.  i don't have fame or god knows fortune, but i will. 

because baby,  i close my eyes slowly, i'm flowin' away slowly

but i know i'll be alright. 


(also check out bryn christopher's the quest)