currently i have three careers

1.  legal courier
2.  freelance writer
3.  struggling novelist. 

ranked in order of what makes me the most money, conversely ordered to what gives me the most fulfillment. 

today i had my usual panera writing day, and i got out a chapter i really feel good about—this novel is smoking by.  it's crazy, because i don't have to do any world building, any real deep creation, and my characters are just flowing out.  they're just so present.  and not that i won't have to do rewrites and not that i'm not wary of it, but this novel is so damn easy to write. 

i even feel a little brilliant. 

i know, i know, bite my tongue.  this brilliant feeling never works out well, because it turns out invariably that i'm not, and the universe sees fit to humble me quite exquisitely.  but yeah.  feeling brilliant. 

i'm also feeling broke and socially stagnant.  go figure. 

it's like having to female-end plugs and trying to connect them.  this whole doing what you love thing just does not fit with the whole making money thing.   i had a great writing day, but i made nothing on adsense because i posted nothing on hubpages.  oh what a tangled web i weave...one that requires constant and unilateral effort. 

and i'm feeling lazy.

it is a truth universally acknowledged that writing takes a second to warm into, and i'm starting the day off vaguely fuzzy, slightly scattered, and totally in love with ryan adam's version of wonderwall. 

today i'm going back for chapter six on tarian.  which actually leads me to pose a question:  anyone have a good title for a novel that involves heavy american lit references, murder, and high school? 

but yeah, so i'm starting off today back in the mind of jack drew, my lovely detective.  it's fun writing third person limited in a guys head for once, and it's really odd doing this whole detective thing—i have no idea if i'm being authentic (i'm trying to grill my lawyer family for info, they think i've secretly shot someone.  or plan to) but it's definitely fun writing a mystery. 

back to the grindstone....

oh, and you'll be happy to know that i hit over a hundred again yesterday!  woot. 

kiss kiss.  keep you posted.

so i know you were all sweating this one out, but i just wanted to let the blogosphere be assured that my credit is no longer in danger, the payment posted before the debit, i am solid. 

see?  see?  financially independent.  rock out.

it is officially my three month, eighty-fifth blog post anniversary. 

it can only get better from here. 

x

so isolde makes a great post, something that is along my own ideas of thinking today.  that, cross-referenced with the braveheart speech, and you get a vague sense of my state of mind today. 

freedom is hard won, fought for universally, and defines our existence.  i want to be free.  i want to soar.  i want to be financially, physically and emotionally independent.  i want to move to scotland, be a writer, follow my dreams without guilt or reprimand.  i want to make my own decisions and willfully accept their consequences. 

i want life, liberty, and the pursuit of my happiness. 

because today is our independence day.  let it be mine too. 

i have like perfect credit.  not that i'm bragging, its just a fact.  and i may have just f***ed it up. 

so, i just submitted my visa application, which apparently i have to complete in person because they need my biometric information (YEAH.)  and it costs 420 bucks, which isn't bad at all.  but so, lazy ass that i am, instead of going downstairs and grabbing my credit card that has like unlimited credit on it (well not really but about 15 grand more than i need) i grab the card that's sitting right beside me, because its an extra.  while it's not maxed out, it has a very low limit on it (very new card) and it only has 320 in available credit.  now, since it's a capital one card and i have savings accounts with them too, i transferred some money over, thinking it would be an instant transfer (like it is between the savings accounts). 

apparently not, because the payment hasn't processed yet and my card is showing up with $0 available credit. 

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


....is it bad that THIS is what really scares me?  having bad credit?

anyway, this also means that my visa application is almost completed, which is the penultimate step to moving to scotland (the job is the final step, but the move might happen first, who knows).  i also don't really know what supporting documents they want from me (it didn't say) but i have to prove that i'm a graduate, and i have no need for public funds, so i guess i'll try and prove those things....

other than being terrified that i just bombed my credit score, i'm pretty excited!

ha, so one day i have almost 150 hits on my blog (incredible!  topped out at 149) and the next day i have sixteen.  total. 

right?

i guess i need to take a slice of my own advice, and keep working.  because apparently, if i don't post for one single day, all my loyal fans leave me and don't care at all.  so here i am, posting.  posting and desperate for attention. 

i had a dream this morning—well two dreams, which is doubly unusual for me, because ironically the dreamer doesn't dream a whole lot—and the first one was really odd, a friend i haven't talked to in a while and i were sitting in a room with three beds all touching each other to form a U (the beds, not us) and one person was asleep and my friend was just staring at me.  very strange. 

the second, though, was a little clearer—the first thing i felt was my feet sliding over cobble stones in flimsy shoes, which you really feel because the rounded cobblestone digs into your arch and your toes kind of curl around it.  it wasn't misty, but the stones were damp.  i was walking with two of my good friends, laughing broadly in a lazy sunday kind of laughing, and we went to my favorite shop in scotland and got lunch together and all walked around the town.  just like that.  walking around st andrews, happy and complete.  and i turned to my friend ashley and sighed, saying, "i wasn't really sure if i'd get to do this again."

and then i woke up, totally marinated in my dreams. 

and, surprisingly, not for its lackluster crappiness, especially because i have nixed the crappiness by securing an apartment! 

but the record breaking ness?  I had over a hundred views on my blog in a single day!!  Thank you all my lovely readers!!

kisskisskisskisskisss

so, it sounds like i definitely have an apartment.  i'm waiting to exhale for the final, definite, "we have a solid and unbreakable agreement".

but yeah, we're talking exchanging deposits.  so...that's pretty definite right?  i'm a little terrified that its going to fall through.

especially because, if it falls through, that means that scotland is falling through.  not really, obviously i'll keep looking for an apartment and keep trying to make it work, but at one point it feels like magic and at another point it feels like forcing it. 

and i want this to be magic.  i want and i need scotland to be magic right now. 

god that sounds a little pathetic, but i'm a person who believes. and i believe that there is a cycle and a circle and an overturn of fortune, and i just need a little turn in my favor.  i need the change, the pat on the back from the universe that i can keep going, keep living for my passion. 

so i think this is a step in the right direction.  i just hope it's onto solid ground.

uggghh today is utterly stagnant.  i am getting no emails, and i literally check my inbox every three to five minutes.  which is normal, but usually i have EMAIL TO CHECK. 

nothing.  no word on jobs, on apartments, on my life in general. 

i'm stuck and i'm waiting and i hate it. 

i think i'll try writing some more tarian this afternoon so it's not a total waste. 

come on world, just hurry up for me.